an instagram caption too good to waste

or why i want softness

i’m tired today. i hit a big (but delayed) deadline yesterday, and i’m worried that my work is the only reason i’ve survived the past few weeks. being able to dive into trans history, and tell the stories of our ancestors has been so healing during such a traumatising time. i’ve been hyper focused, and i’ve been strong. without that focus - where is that strength?

i’m tired of being strong anyway. ever since the supreme court ruling came out i’ve been telling everyone ‘i’m doing surprisingly ok all things considered’ i’ve been keeping myself as busy as possible, not just with my deadline but also by trying to support my community as best as i know how. i quit smoking, i quit drinking, i have been actively trying to stay strong.

but i don’t want to be strong. i want to be soft. i want to be weak. i want to be able to take a day off. i want to walk down the street without fear. i want to go to the pub/theatre/cinema/club etc and not have to email in advance asking where the gender neutral toilets are.

i want to get an ‘i love you’ text from my friends and not panic about what’s happened in the news. i want to see someone laughing in the street and not instantly assume they’re laughing at me. i want to see middle aged dykes in the street and feel kinship & not fear. i want to wear a mask for my health, not to hide my clocky jaw.

a very small but very loud group of white women have stolen this from me. from all of us. most of us never really got to be girls; our girlhood practiced shamefully in our mothers' closet while she was at work, and now they want to take our womanhood from us too? fuck that.

i will be strong. i will fight back. i will uplift and support my community.

but i wish i didn’t have to.

one day, trans women will live lives that are so full of joy and softness and they will not need to learn to throw a punch. i will not live to see that day. but i fight for it regardless.